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Ever Get That Not So Fresh Feeling?

June 2, 2010

This is the tagline from the old Massengill commercial. Their solution? Douche.

This is a bad idea. At least they way they want you to do it.

Image: Kate Sedgwick

I’m a person who has misplaced much anxiety toward my nether regions. I have spent hours scouring google for photos of STIs because I thought I might have one and if I could just find proof online, I would take my uninsured ass, vagina and cervix to the doctor.

The truth is, if there are foul odors below your Mason Dixon line that can’t be remedied with a shower and thorough rinse, you need to get checked out. If you have an infection and you douche, your just pushing those bugs way, way up inside where you risk making it worse.

I debated about whether to post this or not. It seems a bit personal and weird, but that’s just because I’m talking about my vagina. If I were talking about an awesome solution to a common problem (which I have found this to be) that had something to do with my toes or my face, I wouldn’t feel weird about it at all, so I’ve decided as long as I don’t post any pictures, this is not really weird either.

And this is where guys can stop reading.

No, really. There is nothing for you here.

Whatever.

OK. After years of having minor but recurring bacterial vaginosis (BV), knowing what it was, knowing I didn’t want to have to rush to the doctor every time I had unprotected sex and take antibiotics, I read an abstract of a study that said douching with hydrogen peroxide could clear it up.

There is another solution that involves boric acid in powder form and creating a solution for douching or filling gel caps with it and then letting it dissolve inside. This just gave me the creeps, seemed too hard.

So how do you do it?

– Find a douche bottle and dump out the crap they have in there. Rinse it out so it doesn’t smell like you’ve been using your pussy to dye Easter eggs. Or if you’re embarrassed, a baby ear bulb will work.

– Fill it with common hydrogen peroxide. The study said 3%, which is 1/3 the saturation you’ll find in the over the counter stuff you find in the drug store. You can add water accordingly.

– Pour that shit in the douche.

But here’s the important thing: when you’re using it, put a finger in alongside the nozzle, too, so you don’t create a vacuum and send a bunch of bad bacteria up inside, past your cervix where it doesn’t belong.

Do this for a few days, and if your problem is anything like mine, you’ll be square. Also, it’s a good idea to wear a pad for an hour or so afterwards.

And of course, if your problem is of unknown origin, please utilize the closest clinic. Your reproductive health is important – more important than money and more important than your ego. Do it.

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