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How Do You Impress Him in Bed the First Time Around?

December 1, 2014

Guest post by Jennifer Esposa

Sex is a show of force. It’s a woman’s time to get down to the business of pleasing her man, of showing him what she’s made of, and to titillate him with her hot bod. She knows it’s not about her, and men’s bodies are such mysteries that it can be hard to for a modern woman to know, during a first-time bedding with a new conquest, how to exercise her sexual power for his pleasure and keep him forever and ever.

So many women try to trick a man into marriage with pregnancy. But that’s no first-time-around kind of move. Instead, you want to show him that you are a wild beast hellbent on only his pleasure. That will keep him coming back for more and you can “forget” that antibiotics make your pill ineffective a few months in after you’ve seen his bottom line, and figured out if he leaves skid marks in his undies. Depending on point A, you can then decide whether point B will be a deal-breaker, or if you’re going to go out and charge a box of premium black designer underwear from a boutique that you can “forget” to take the price tag off of as a power play. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves ladies.

I present to you, a surefire system to impress him in bed the first time.

1. Wait. By now you’ve probably waited a couple weeks because this one seems like a keeper. Right, ladies? You want to obsess over him constantly, to the exclusion of your work and existing friendships (SATC forever, betches!), but you don’t want the pesky memory of his grunted, inane attempt at dirty talk to besmirch the fantasy of what the wedding will be like. Just wait a little while because you don’t want the sad memory of a premature ejaculation followed by a long, interrupted night of sleep (for him) and the poignancy of way you clutched at your clitoris, resignedly, as he snored next to you and your heart beat like a hummingbird, wondering if you’d disturb him too much if you got up to pee to stave off the pleasure of thinking about what color your son or daughter’s hair will be. We know our own pleasures! They have nothing to do with sex! So, fingers crossed, you remembered not to be too slutty and got nice and locked in on the future before you’ve let him unzip his pants in front of you.

2. This is Not About You. Remember this. This is your mantra. TINAY! TINAY! It’s about what you will reap if you play your cards right. You want a secure future. That doesn’t come in the voting booth or with the IRA you set up for yourself at your office job. Get real! The only way to be secure is to nail down a good man who will provide you with a happy life. So if you start to feel unsatisfied at any point during the encounter, remember, TINAY. TINAY. TINAY. TINAY.

3. This Is all About Him. You don’t have to remember this secondary mantra, but you can, if you want to celebrate your future in advance. TIAAM. TIAAM. TIAAM. I pronounce it tee-om. Remember, a man’s ego is fragile. If you express your desires, you risk making him feel like This Is Not All About Him. That is not something you want to do.

4. The three P’s: Prepare, prepare, prepare. The penis is by and large predictable. Watch some pornography to see what guys like. Practice with a cucumber to get that horrible gagging sounds just right without throwing up — that’s a private activity and he should never even see you laugh too hard, much less commit the faux pas of projectile vomiting at his pubes (though it does show a certain amount of commitment and is something he can impress his friends with because he’ll think it means he has a grand endowment. You can make the most of it if this happens, just make sure to make sure he’s okay first and to say, “Oh, it’s so big!” It’s the opposite of being on an airplane — his needs first. Easy peasy). Try getting used to moaning and groaning. If you have a private, sound-proof room or when you’re stuck in traffic, that’s your moment to practice your sexy moaning and screaming. Try some of the positions you see in pornography on your own and prepare those muscles to sustain long, unpleasurable squatting positions that reveal your entire body in an enticing way, because that’s really going to impress him. You have to pretend you love his penis without getting any pleasure from it at all. But you have to make sure he thinks you’re having the time of your life! Don’t worry about stretching your anus yet. That definitely won’t be his job, but that’s post-engagement only. I don’t have to tell you that, right?

5. Commit. You want a commitment? Then show commitment! There’s no way to back out once you start down this road. Use every technique you see in porn and do not vary if you find something he likes. Once you start screaming and moaning, you can’t just stop. If he’s mercifully brief, you won’t have to wreck your voice. If you start to feel silly, remember TINAY, TIAAH, PPP, and Commit! Keep the charade going for the entirety of the encounter or he’ll think you’re a drag. Who knows? Maybe the rhythm will hit you the right way and you’ll start to feel some pleasure for a few moments. If you do, make sure not to climax. If you orgasm in front of him, he’ll realize you’ve been faking it all along, so you’ve got to keep that real orgasm inside forever and don’t let it out. That’s too much pressure for a man, to think he’s got to make that happen for you. Let him know he’s making it happen for you every time, no matter what he does. You’re there to be his partner and lead a secure life and showing consistency is the key to that, no matter what his technique or own inconsistencies may be. If you don’t show him that side of yourself from the start, you’ll never get to step six.

6. Win! This is all you need to know. The rest is easy. Make sure to ask him what he wants and what he likes, don’t be pushy, and do what he says. If you wanted great sex, you wouldn’t be going through all this. Sex isn’t for you! If you do it, and you like it, you’re a slut. If you wait, you’re a prude. If you get upset when he doesn’t call you, or even acknowledge your presence when he sees you at the office the next day, you’re a crazy bitch. If you only kiss him, you’re a cock-tease. This is the only way to win. Believe me, I’ve been married for 20 years and my husband is very happy.

It’s been fun, ladies. To recap, that’s: Wait, This Is Not About You (TINAY), This Is All About Him (TIAAH), Prepare Prepare Prepare (PPP), Commit, and Win!

If you have any questions, I hope you’ll share them in the comments!

4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 6, 2014 8:22 pm

    I have to disagree, because this IS about you, the woman. this is where most women start to lose their power by immediately giving directly to the man. don’t do that

    • December 6, 2014 8:25 pm

      If you didn’t get that this post is a joke, I’m not sure what to tell you.

      • December 6, 2014 8:40 pm

        well you sure went through a lot of trouble to tell a joke… and it was a terrible joke

    • December 7, 2014 5:54 am

      I’ll worry what you think of my jokes when you demonstrate an ability to recognize them. Till then, have fun with your sanctimoniousness. It’s one of the most enjoyable qualities a woman can have.

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